Telling a Partner(s) About Crohn’s or Colitis Topics

Dating someone new, hooking up, or being in any kind of relationship can be exciting and beautiful but a little nerve-wracking at the same time.
It can have extra challenges if you are living with Crohn’s Disease or Ulcerative Colitis (but it doesn’t have to!)

There’s no right answer or right way for when to tell someone about your IBD, and honestly, with the experience we have both constantly “coming out” as having IBD and “coming out” as being LGBTQ+, this can make things easier to tell someone.

 You may find it comes naturally. Maybe the other person brings up the topic of illness (what if their mom has Rheumatoid Arthritis, they douched too much and made a hemorrhoid irritated etc etc). or maybe they are living with a chronic condition themselves. With other people, it might not be so easy and it could take you longer to feel comfortable telling them.

Everyone’s “disclosure” journey is different (just how everyone’s coming out journey and pace is different!)

You may feel better telling them early on and getting it out of the way.

Having them know about a key part of your life could be a relief - if this is a long-term partner or someone you see yourself dating or being with for a long time, you may want them to know so they can be with you and support you on your IBD journey.

If you do get a negative response from them, you may feel better knowing this sooner rather than later.

Telling someone early could mean less worrying about hiding symptoms or medicines.

You may feel less pressure to explain why you only eat certain foods, or don’t drink alcohol, for example.

If this is a hookup/fling/temporary thing, you may not feel it’s necessary to disclose, especially if your IBD isn’t affecting your sexual and reproductive organs at the moment or anus/rectum area.

  Obviously everyone is different, but I don’t introduce myself to everyone I meet as “Hi, I’m _____ by the way I have IBD!” It’s a need to know basis. (Despite what this website may convey)

The most important thing is that you do what makes you comfortable and disclose what you are comfortable with.

Telling Partner(s) About a Stoma

There’s no right or wrong way to tell someone about your stoma or a textbook guideline - or even a rule that you ‘have to’ - disclosing information about your body is up to you and you alone.

Like above, you may decide to tell them early on, maybe even before you meet them (if on Grindr, texting, etc)

 This could give you more control over when they find out.

If someone acts insensitively because of your stoma, then you know early on that they are not worth your time.
You deserve someone who respects and cherishes ALL of you, no exceptions.

The person you’re telling may seem shocked or upset.

They may be surprised that you’ve been through such a big life event, and don’t know what to say.

Maybe they don’t know what a stoma is, why you have it, or what it means for your future.

Give them time to try to understand. If you feel comfortable, let them ask you questions about your stoma (if you are comfortable with that - you don't have to let anyone ask anything you aren't comfortable with or answer anything that crosses a line - you don't have to be House MD about your stoma on a date)

 If they still seem shocked, upset, or any other negative emotion, that may be a sign and/or have a discussion with them about these things.

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Take it at your own pace. 
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For some people, the physical signs of Crohn’s or Colitis are a reminder of a time when they were very sick.

It’s not ok for anyone to make you feel uncomfortable about your body or condition.

Don’t feel pressured to talk about the details of your stoma if you don’t feel happy to - you don’t have to play 21 questions about IBD surgery or WebMD with someone who you just met.

There may be some people who can’t see past the stoma. It can be extremely difficult to face rejection.

If someone cannot accept you for who you are and what you’ve been through, then they may not be the right person for you.
You deserve someone who loves you for you, all things about your body. It may be overused and corny, but I promise there are many fish in the sea who are accepting and will cherish you as you are.

Telling Partner(s) About a Fistula

Having a fistula or perianal abscess can affect some people’s confidence, especially if your fistula affects the area or sexual and reproductive organs that you like to use for pleasurable sex (i.e., a perianal fistula if you are a bottom, a urethrovaginal fistula if you enjoy vaginal intercourse, etc)

It can be hard to explain to a new partner why you may look a bit different around your bottom or genitals.

You could practice how you would tell someone, and if you’re nervous about telling them face to face, you can try texting it or over whatever messaging app like Whatsapp (I am a BIG advocate of pre-writing texts in the notes app)

Your partner(s) may be very understanding or they might not even notice.
With antibiotics or even surgery in necessary cases, the “holes” it causes essentially go away and if it’s not weeping or oozing or anything (because you are taking your cipro/flagyl or whatever antibiotics as prescribed, it is likely unnoticeable.

 You may find some people are less understanding.

If someone makes you feel bad because of your fistula, or any other part of who you are, they may not be someone you want to be with.
The Pride and Poop Family does not stand for anyone shaming you or not accepting you because of a fistula, or any part of your IBD, and you deserve someone who cherishes you no matter what.

Consent and Communication

Here at Pride and Poop, we love consent (and communication)
Consent and communication are vital in ensuring healthy and safe sexual practices and relationships!

It can seem difficult to have these conversations at first, it is important to discuss your:

Expectations (what we are going to do, what are are not going to do)

Ideal sexual preferences (i.e. you may be a bottom but there may be more things you need to discuss or want to do),

Limitations (i.e, is there something, physically, mentally, etc that is absolutely off limits or no-go for any reason, IBD or otherwise such as previous bad experiences)

In advance with your chosen partner(s) to ensure a mutual understanding of your level of intimacy.

I realize this sounds like it will kill the mood, but making sure everyone is on the same page is essential to making sure the mood is not SUPER killed halfway through and everyone has a really, really bad time.

 It is not uncommon to be anxious about the impact of IBD on body image or function  or be concerned about how your partner will react to these things.

IBD can cause us to fluctuate in weight, lead to surgeries affecting sexual organs/ areas we like to use for sex (perianal area), have a reduced desire to engage in sexual activities (reduced libido) - flares can cause this as well as some IBD treatments.
PLEASE let your doctor know because they can help you on this! (as well as communicate with partner(s) about these things if you are comfortable doing so.)

  It is important to seek advice from the IBD team, especially if things like low libido are bothering you; you may also wish to consult with a specialist relationship counsellor to reduce negative feelings and burdensome emotions.